drifting digital
The following is a piece I wrote and posted to Medium circa 2018. It is incredibly rough, and reflects emotions I no longer connect with, but I still enjoy a lot of what I did here. Enjoy!
i don’t much care which world i am in.
I want to walk with you in my dreams, but I’m afraid you wouldn’t remember me there.
When I go there, I’m someone else — my life is simple, but in motion. Not a drop of worry falls from any distant rain cloud, and I wander to mundane but unknown places, as I once did as a child.
The theme park is there, with the same name it’s always had. Yet it’s nothing I’ve ever seen before and it’s nothing anyone else will ever see.
The schools aren’t wholly unfamiliar to me, but I’ve never stepped foot in a single one of them.
The country roads wind, and I ride them straight out from a suburban home. Sometimes I’ll find a small crossroad city. It’ll be the middle of the night, when the air is cool and fresh and I feel like I once did as a child, waiting and patiently listening as the night told me what to do.
I pause and breathe in their freshness and their change of pace. They are new to me, a feeling I haven’t known for a long time.
I am not as alive awake as I am in my dreams. You are one the thing I have to keep myself connected to this world; else, I may just slip and fall into another world. I am inside myself now. Nothing I want to feel or do makes its way through. Even you, the largest extension of my most important connection, do not know the extent of what stays there. It may be no one will ever know what I want the world to have.
It’s been only months since I met you, and everyone else I use as my tightrope. It’s the only place to bring substance to a murky, liquidy existence. But it’s not enough, and it never will be.
The me that lives there fell in love with life. The me that lives there left the abusers, left the cheaters, left the ones who would have told it they never really loved them, that would have told it they never had a friend in them. The me that- No, you wouldn’t remember me.
No one remembers me.
I’ve forgotten you already.
i’ve burned so many of them.
hi okay then here it is in total:
I was chewed out in the past by you and your little lackeys for being immature, inattentive, and inactive (not without effort from me — it’s very hard to stay active when your only 55555555555555555 is maybe 15 minutes at ========= and a few 66666 at a ==========!)
Yet ever since the big fallout, lots of the -_-_-_-_-_– and ESPECIALLY you have blamed the 888888888 problems on \\\\\, on other -_-_-_-_, and on anything but saying “hey I fucked up p massively and most of it was my fault”. Something you got on me in the past for when I blamed ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ and others for doign things without my consent, which was somethin that was wrong and I have learned from in — — — — — — — — — — .
You banned \\\\\\\ for voicing their concerns with &&&&&&&&&&&& and suggesting ____aaaaaaaaaaaaa____ to be made. You took to \$\$\$\$\$\$\$\$\$\$ to complain about %%%%%%%%%%%, something that yuve chewed me out for in the past.
-_-_-_-_-_– favorites are constantly let get away with actions that in any normal world would most likely lead to 000000000000. As has been stated, the current situation is still beign worked out, so I have no idea whats going on there, but in the past it’s been allowed to go on rampantly. {}{}{}{}{}{}{} was let romp around for MONTHS aggravating situations and badmouthing \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ and getting into arguments over things with no reprecussions until they spoke out against what was going on with staff at the very moment and was swiftly 000000000000. (((((( was allowed free reign for months while posting irrelevant …………., posting intentionally irritating and reactive things to rile up \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\, acting highly elitist about things as simple as \\\\\\ llllllllinput of othersllll, and there hasnt ever been any talk about any sort of reprecussions.
A slap on the wrist and a “dont do that” go only so far and obviously dont help make the \$\$\$\$\$\$\$\$\$\$\$\$\$ better when \\\\\\\\\\\\ are agravated and upset at a higher rate than any other public, partnered \$\$\$\$\$\$\$\$\$\$\$\$, and when even the tiniest -_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_– squabbles’ lasting power are more monumental in proportion than all out feuds between \\\\\\\\ which are quickly dealt with, unlike any internal -_-_-_-_-_-_-_– .
TL;DR: You, ########, and other -_-_-_-_-_-_-_ — \\\\\\\ with a large amount of hold on -_-_-_-_-_-_-_ — , have fallen into -_-_-_-_-_-_-_ — traps not only on equivalent level to, but WORSE than ones you’ve (rightfully) berated and ridiculed me for in the past when I ran the \$\$\$\$\$\$\$\$\$\$\$\$\$\$\$\$. While I did too much 33333333 without the -_-_-_-_-_-_-_ — there is absolutely no change and improvement in the \$\$\$\$\$\$\$\$\$\$\$\$\$\$, leading to stagnation and outright decay. It’s incredibly unprofessional and shows that the -_-_-_-_-_-_-_– and this -_-_-_-_-_-_-_– needs much more than slight changes; it needs ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;.
i’m not really sure where they divide.
For a moment, we return.
All the things we once were said did.
A drop falls forward towards us from these distant memories.
The feathers we once wore, leaving a trail as we dance forward.
Cannot go back as we take the plunge.
There were things once said, unspeakable now.
Regret and longing fills the scent of the air we now breathe.
For just one moment, we return.
One fleeting moment.
Cherishing once more,
before it lets go.
just stay with me until i find the right one.