Worlds, to me.
Today is the 6th anniversary of the album Worlds, by Porter Robinson. It's a synthpop album with a heavy influence from internet, gaming, and anime culture. It's a deeply emotional, soft, and introspective album, especially coming from an artist who was previously known for his incredibly extroverted complextro/EDM in the past.
And it's the album that shaped who I am.
I found Worlds, peculiarly, through a now defunct Vocaloid fan forum (hi, VocaloidOtaku!). For the uninitiated, three of the songs on the album use a Vocaloid voicebank by the name of Avanna. It's a very soft, sweet Celtic voice, which in the album is turned intentionally robotic.
Having seen ads for this album all over YouTube already, I whipped open my favorite High Seas site (I was 16, cut me some slack), and started playing it in Banshee Media Player (I really liked it over Rhythmbox, okay? Don't judge me).
This, for some strange reason in my very forgetful life, is something I remember so, so vividly. Playing a terrible Minecraft Ghost server, on whatever MC and Ubuntu versions were out at the time, on a really fucked up XFCE install, sitting in a chair that had a broken back right behind my Dad in the computer room, I casually listened to the music that would create me, not paying attention as it wormed its way into my brain.
I'm not sure quite how it did, but my love for this album grew. It sounded so new to me, as someone who for most of my life let my parents decide what my music tastes should be, with the occasional song (like the Vocaloid community) my friends suggested. It was likely the first work of music that I found completely, entirely on my own.
Before I knew it, I was in the Porter Robinson Kik (let's not talk about the issues with that app), and I was frequenting the Porter Robinson subreddit. I found my way to the live remakes, to the fan remixes, to the fan producers.
I watched first hand artists like Shadient, and Sakuraburst, and k?d find a footing, and find an audience, through their inspiration from this album.
I saw communities like The Sky Lounge, or events like Language Night, form, letting new artists and people wanting to express themselves find a way to do that with each other.
I saw everyone draw fan art, and make edits, and fall in love with the visual art from the live show, creating entire characters and narratives and games out of nothing more than the feelings they were given.
I saw the discourse from upset EDM fans, upset at the fawning over this album they thought was something that had already been made better before.
But, for many, it was a personal turning point. It hit a lot of us at exactly the right time, with exactly the right mix of internet nostalgia, introversion, and glittery, soft aesthetics to let us realize things about ourselves.
Let's talk about my transness.
It wasn't until I was 19 that I finally admitted to myself I was trans, that I wasn't a man, and that I never felt like one. Throughout life, there was always a klaxon alarm blaring in my head, telling me my body was completely wrong.
Although I won't say say I was literally “transed” by Worlds, what it meant to me really let me finally think about myself. It connected to me directly with the experiences I was having, with finding true community only through online interactions. It also helped me find others who understood me, who I felt I could open up to.
I also found that music was something so important to me to manage my anxieties, and my social issues, and my sensory issues as an autistic person. These days, most of my life is spent with headphones on, with something or the other playing as I just. Do whatever.
In short, although it didn't cause me to figure out, Worlds, and especially the song Fellow Feeling, are directly intertwined with my journey. I can't talk about my history without talking about this album.
These days, my music tastes have drifted far enough away from Worlds that I cannot remember the last time I listened to the album. 100 Gecs, Charli XCX, KKB, Cashmere Cat, galen tipton, New Sylveon – the list and the variety in what I listen to goes on and on. I don't think there's one album these days I listen to “more” than another.
But, for a very long time, it was Worlds. Worlds was my entire musical world for years. It was all I listened to, all I immersed myself into, all that was me was because of Worlds.
I wouldn't have the tastes I have today without it. I wouldn't have my friends. I wouldn't have the self-confidence or self-love I now have.
Sometimes, we find ourselves so thoroughly through something, that we don't realize it until that time in our lives has passed. Our sense of self branches out from it, and until we can look back, we don't realize the layers we've formed, like magma flowing over itself after an eruption.
Worlds was that eruption to me, and for that, I say:
Thank you, I'll say goodbye now
Though its the end of the world, don't blame yourself
And if its true, I will surround you and give life to a world
That's our own.